Today 10/1/08 I woke up to a good day I felt good had an enjoyable time in class (poetics of cinema) which I love every part of it . My professor towards the end of class stated what she wanted us to do for homework .. and once again I felt quite confused on what she wanted, because it will be all these assignments at once. So I took it upon myself to go ask her what the heck am I not getting? ..like I have no idea what I should be focusing on. So to sum up what came out of my questioning and our general convo she basically tells me that she can tell when I ask a question I spontaneously ask whats on my mind without processing it first.
Saying that If I took a time out for a little while I already know my answer and know what I'm talking about but often question my thoughts. So in other words I over think the simplest things and confuse the crap out of myself but yet I comprehend the difficult I'M SO BACKWARDS! lol. So we continued chatting and she is aware of my psychological note take of scent and drifted into my eagerness of comprehending chromotherepy . She told me that from now on put further thought into why it's so significant to me and put emphasize on it whenever I'm responding to the films we view. She also mentions that maybe through all this I will reach conclusion to the class in my own way .. and mentions that it may be a thesis for my fashion collection WHICH it does already part take in my woman's evening piece that I will be creating.
So after I left heading back to my room I just wasn't hungry to have lunch before work cause prior I had just finish having tea and croissant , so I decided to mellow out play some soothing tunes chill out on my bed facing the window which my bed is across from and just think about all this feed back I'm receiving from my professors. Just the day before today my studio professor was looking over my finalized selection for the critics to look at next Tuesday and when he looked over them he saw my concept but was a little confused by my design on how I illustrated it on this male figure( doing men's collection). I kept explaining to him how I saw in my head how I would want this constructed but he kept saying how he perceives it way different. Soooo to sum up THIS! story I basically break it down to him how I feel about designing and Fashion in general and my love for it , but also my approach to when I'm creating my ideas but also explaining in reference to him of how I'm not understanding why isn't my design not clear to the viewer at times (not all) but it's crystal clear to me. He looks over at me and smiles comfortingly sitting next to me with open ears and explains ........"cause your an Illustrator ".. a Fashion Illustrator. So In my head I'm like
"WHAT THE F !" .. like I'm hearing that a lot now.
This is what I was afraid of hearing I already am aware of me wanting to be a personalized Fashion Illustrator, but I also know I am a designer but is the illustration part so obvious and out weigh my designing ? lol... He mentions this design competition that I got chosen to compete for in our department which was based of your design skills and how much of a strong hand these students who were selected have, to compete for this grand prize money . WHICH of course was not won by any pratt students all Parsons and Otis (not surprised) .. but he said you can tell by my handwork I love it and I really advertise myself within the illustration and get to caught up in it emphasizing so much on these figures extreme posing and attitude conveyed through movement in that garment that I totally disregard the construction . This is not the first time someone had basically said that I look at the overall picture but I don't consider the technical part which is my weakness and it shows . I find it so funny cause I never realize that I'm doing it I see whats in my head and get to it and then my construction of the garment comes after and that's NOT! acceptable as a designer . Majority of my fellow classmates give me such cred for representing myself within my work where they say "They KNOW! it's me" ...and also "Steph's an Illustrator" I think it's really cool that they even acknowledge that ..however I don't want to mislead anyone to thinking I'm not a designer cause I am ..obviously BUT!.. I guess as my professor said stylized figures is my style and I should keep it up but In order for me to be that "Designer " I'm gonna have to brake out of that illustration emphasized habit just a little and embrace and get technical , and simplify to make it easier for my viewer. I so HATE that everything is computerized even freaking sketching ! wheres the art in Fashion! cause it is an art and I feel it should be conveyed in that way through your hand! (in all aspects) .. a creator , it's wearable art . Screw the computer ..yeh it makes some steps easier but overall I feel there is a barrier to how creative you can get, it takes away from indulging in different medias to create the look of a fabric or being that involved with that design in general. I really wish Fashion Illustration will be back as a hit again like the 80's .
So this chat with these two different professors two totally different fields reveal to me some things about myself that they both basically said the same thing but see it in me in different ways . It made me really think about how I 'm perceived by people and Is it that I make myself clear physically and visually to some extent but not verbally ? I make things complicated when it should be simple . So does that make me a complicated person lol?? or I only find comfort and understanding in complicated things? cause that sucks ...I guess? lol.. But yet Illustration comes easy and a breeze for me but construction which for most people can be difficult but as well it's a hardship for me at times ..so in that part I'm normal ?lol . . I'm so screwed up .. ( I'm confusing myself just thinking about this lololol ) I just personally don't like overall technical things and it shows in every way .. but If you give me direction but I'm free to be creative I will do it and do it well and shine ... get technical .... and I'll do it and then do it with shame ahaha or at least it will be descent.
So basically after today's class and yesterday's class on my mind , while on my bed I just all of a sudden felt "Blahh" like I felt really mellow didn't really want to interact with anyone at work when I got there which I always do especially one in particular. Some how today I felt for a change I didn't feel like being the aggressor and reaching out as I always do .. I wanted to know how and who would reach out to me or how they would react . For the most part most of the other employees responded RIGHT away saying I seem different and not myself and I want to know what it is about myself that when I'm not in the mood how am I so obvious in comparison to someone next to me doing the same thing . I was still chatting and involved but just a little more laid back that's it unless I act out more than what I think lolol.. but sometimes it's just nice to ride the waves instead of being it. Then while at work I get a climax of the day to find out I came to work for nothing. My boss modified the chart ( that I did not notice) and I wasn't suppose to come in ... isn't that a B#@ch lololol .. so I just stayed a little bit because there was no point in leaving early when I was already 2-3 hrs in LOL.
I also don't know what it is about myself that I would desire something so bad, and what I desire is no harm to me for some occasions lol but then later... as in weeks or months into it I look back on it and I'm unsure if I really like what I see or how I feel about pursuing this thing or person . It's like I know what I want and I do want it but yet I don't ... like am I just glorifying something that is not that big of a deal? , that on a daily I'm just liking it to like cause I like to like things ..that when I remove myself from things or people I look at it more from a critical aspect and then end up kinda disappointed in some way? I don't get why I do or feel that way at times . I don't know if maybe I'm stuck in comfort zone or I don't trust my own feelings toward whatever it is .. so just in case of later disappointment to it or that person I choose to be on the surface?.. but yet what I can't have or will be a difficult interaction I'm head over heels for knowing nothingggg will be furthered in that situation . It's as if I'm stuck being content fantasizing cause thats what I know.
The word of the day DIFFICULTY!. lol
Difficulty:
| 1. | a cause of trouble, struggle, or embarrassment. |
| 2. | a disagreement or dispute. |
| 3. | reluctance; unwillingness. |
| 5. | something that is hard to do, understand, or surmount; an impediment or obstacle. |
